the way it ended with my abuser frustrate me too much, because they "won" by making me believe i was the insane one.
for 3 years my "bff" psychologically abused me. i told her my fears and taught her about some survivors terms from a past harassment, only for her to use it against me and it was always so subtle i excused her, she was not treating me properly either. (i wrote many examples in another posts)
until that one day where i stood up:
my friend told me they would do something for me, something that for years i've been the only one doing, i was milked and not treated like their equal deserving this attention in return too. and as usual i didn't got news from it. so after some days i asked abt it just to know if it's still in preparation simply, even tho i was really disappointed in advance.
they reacted as if i was too demanding or as if i forced them to do it now, twisting my intentions "you know i'm going out today so i can't do it" as an excuse to make me look like the drama maker, and they added smth that really was the last straw "you know i would always do it like usual" they were galisghting me, they NEVER did it for me, the usual is them stealing from me, i was so shocked at their lie i just replied "no". that day i sensed something in me shifted, they probably felt i was not the same too.
after seeing my disappointement, they insisted saying how much i matter to them, i notice now how they often said that only after i expressing i was hurt.
later that day i wanted to come back to talk to them, and i noticed that they removed my name from their bio, in my back. as if they had something against me but didn't express it clearly once again, and despite saying nice words to me earlier, they were dishonest.
but you know it wasn't the first time they did that sneaky move.
[you can pass: back then they defended a person they barely know over me, humiliating me in front of them. later i told them i was hurt because this person used to make me uncomfortable and even tho they didn't know that they still chose them directly over me without asking the backstory first before choosing side. i thought we fixed it but they deleted my name from their bio, so i naturally asked them if they were mad at me and wanted to express something, not even attacking, and they reacted as if i was controlling them to force them to put back my name]
so yeah seeing they still can't communicate just made me mad, i was done trying to understand someone that avoid any adult convo so i mimicked her snake behavior and i soft blocked them. but unlike them, i told them honestly about this decision, and i asked to communicate about what's happening.
then the nightmare starts. those 2 betrayal moves weren't enough, she never intended to admit her wrong but try to assert dominance with a 3rd weapon. she decided to use my worst trigger i told them about: silent treatment. she knew what effect it would have on me, she had all control on my reactions.
so i was sending loads of messages, not even attacking but just begging her to update me because i was anxious, she could claim i was harassing her. i was also apologizing saying i went too hard on her, earlier i didn't doubt my actions but she made me regret. seeing me saying sorry would be another proof of me being the wrong one as she can say.
i was such in a bad state my other close friend called me crying thinking i was about to commit s*, just for you to realize how evil it was for my abuser to use stonewalling aka my worst fear on me.
at the end she just send a paragraph, where she was the one ending the friendship, once again to one up me, because everything is a competition. she saw i was finally standing up so she had to gain back power by discarding.
at first reading the msg you can think it was cordial, but as i've been obsessed with this last message, i finally noticed how manipulative it was, she was implying i always had been the issue (for reacting anxious to her abuse), she said stuff like "i hope you'll find someone to fix your problems" meaning she was trying to save me the broken one until now lmao. she also used a sentence that by the past hurt me, she just wanted to pretend she was the most mature calm, but was actually trying to break me even more, i didn't fight more.
but for days i felt guilty, i actually didn't cry because i missed her, but because she made me believe i was the monster. i lost pounds, started to see a therapist and take antidepressants not to s*.
until i saw a sign that helped me waking up, but disgusts me at the same time.
i closed my acc, and only talked with my other one with the only friend i had here, the one that called me crying and really helped me in this hard moment, she was sending me many relatable posts, of people finally being free from a toxic person, to bring me some comfort. and what did i see?? my abuser interacting with this post.
first i've been triggered, because when someone is out of my life i don't wanna know anything anymore about them, i'm anti stalking as i've been cyberharassed myself. so i clicked on her acc to immediately block her, and what i saw shocked me. she reposted some kind of survivor of abuse posts, with the vocabulary i taught her at the beginning of the friendship, self appropriate what i've been thru with her, and she added in her bio a symbol i showed her, something that i have for years in my bio as many self h*rming and s* survivors: a semicolon. so she was actually stealing my trauma to lie online and pretend it was hers to gain sympathy and portray me as an horrible person, switching victim and narc roles.
i couldn't believe she would be even more of a b*tch.
so yeah i regret acting like i was in the wrong, to have her hear exactly what she wanted, i wish i told her that i knew what she was trying to do, told her the truth, you are indeed evil see how many tactics you use to destroy me instead of taking accountability. fck her
