I have this feeling it's hard to explain , it's like dropping a coin in an empty silent hall and realizing just how empty it is.

Hi.. it's been a while since I was here .. so last year I went through somethings that I don't know I survived but by some miracle I did I was grieving the loss of my grandmother and friend I was having this constant anxiety and panic attacks that left me almost mentally paralyzed and I was battling my depression and suicidal ideation.. I the past year alone I tried off-in myself more than 7 times 3 of which were ... I can only assume it was through divine intervention that am still here ...yeeeahhh me I guess... I thought no I tried to pull myself together and do my best you know try enjoying life seeking help. Around 2 months ago I celebrated 100 days of change I was getting better no more anxiety attacks and for the first time in a really long time I didn't feel like I didn't deserve to live ... You don't know how hard it's is when you're head tries to convince you that you deserve to die .. I could take a breath and not feel like the earth beneath me will swallow me whole..... That's y I feel like an absolute failure . Afew days after I celebrated 100 days I got a call from me mum .. me grandmother from me dad's side was really sick and 2 wks later she passed the only grandparents I had left was gone and I don't know what happened everything just falling apart I tried to hold it together but it's like everything factory reset back to one year ago when I was bleeding out in my room. I am running away not literally but emotionally and mentally kinda I don't want to face this so I have been keeping myself distracted not in bad things tho like I started playing the guitar, and streaming video games online mostly because I can't sleep but a win is a win , going to the gym. I have been avoiding my friends like ghosting every single person I know, I even moved houses I didn't even tell anyone except my parents, stopped going to school and work. I can't go back there I just can't but I found a job it nothing much but it gets me out of the house and forces me to talk to people I think I need that. I just realized that in the last one week I haven't said a word to anyone I am aterly and completely alone .I have given up in trying to be the best version of me I just want to make it to today . I am trying the best I can not to hurt myself the least I can do for myself anyways. Am avoiding the victim mentality I am not a victim... Shity things just happens to people it's just life . Yes that's more believable to me atleast. Am I going to be okay?.. probably not..I am F***ed , but it's not now and am okay with that ( I have completely disassociated from reality and the self ). Thank you for listening to me vent about my silly issues I know it's was long it means a lot am going to try and get some sleep before I start losing cognitive function